I had a listener write in recently asking about finding purpose and how they just feel like their life is a bit of a mess. They don’t know what they want to do and they feel like everyone else has it together. So in today’s episode we’re going to be exploring these ideas, while at the same time questioning if these are even the right questions that we should be asking. I’m going to dive into a number of ways that I don’t have my own life together and we’ll also be getting into self-determination theory and how we can apply that to looking at what we want to do with our life.
In 2019, I went to a panel at the International ADHD Conference. I don't remember exactly what the panel was about anymore, but it had a live screen that we could send our questions to from our phones. While watching the questions pop up on the screen, I thought, "I wonder how their profanity filter works."
Well, having ADHD and some impulse control, I decided to test it out and went with the first question that popped into my mind, "Does anyone actually have their shit together?”
It turns out that there wasn't a profanity filter, so my question popped up on the screen to laughs from the moderator, Ari Tuckman. But the great thing was that he decided to take the time to answer that question because it's something that a lot of us feel. We see everyone else doing their own thing and think, "Man, wouldn't it be great if I were just a little more put together? Then I might have my ADHD figured out."
But that's the thing. When Ari answered the question, he said no one has it together, at least all the time- especially at an ADHD conference.
Part of the listener's question revolved around the idea that it looked and sounded like everyone else had it figured out when they listened to podcasts and watched videos. We don't. I mean, at least I don't, and I know a lot of other creators who don't show a majority of their struggles.
Comparatively, I saw one TikToker explaining the way she kept her house clean for filming videos was that she didn't, that she only cleaned the angle she was filming from for the videos, and a quick pan from the camera showed she wasn't lying. I mention this because it's an incredibly important fact to keep in mind when consuming content online. I try to be as open as possible about my struggles while making episodes, but there are things I'm not comfortable sharing. Also, there is only so much I can pack into an episode, so you're only getting a snapshot of what's going on with me. It's vital that we don't compare our lowlight reels to someone else's highlight reels. Even the lowlights I mention on the podcast tend to be the highlights of my lowlights—the mistakes and problems that I can learn from. So let me give you a few more lowlights from this week (and remember this is definitely not everything):
I'm averaging 5+ hours on my phone every day.
I recently hit level 3600 on a game where you sort colors in test tubes.
My atrocious rate of working through my email, even with someone helping me
Not sending out my newsletter even after having written it because I can’t summon the executive function to do the last few steps.
I haven't worked out in a few weeks because I'm having stomach problems because of poor dietary choices - that I continue to make despite knowing better.
I don't want to go on too much here; I don't want to scare everyone off once they realize what a mess I actually am.
Plus, there are a bunch of things that would require a lot of background information to make sense.
And I say this to let you know that you aren't alone in your struggles. But I also don't want to make it seem like there is no hope either. One of the pieces I took away from what Ari said at that panel was that we don't have to have everything together all of the time, but we can have some of it together. And this goes for everyone - if you meet someone telling you otherwise, they are probably trying to sell you a timeshare (did you know legally they are allowed to lie to you?).
So it’s important to remember that we don’t have to have ourselves together all of the time; that isn’t a realistic goal. I mean, take my lowlight example of emails. Let’s say that I actually achieved the fabled inbox zero. Well, that only lasts until I get my next email. It's not a discreet thing that will ever be finished; it’s a process.
While I would like to be more caught up in that process, I also have to work on accepting it as something that requires continuous work. The same goes for not working out in a while. It’s something that I have to get back into, but there will be times when I do more and times when I do less.
This goes for following our passion as well—it’s not an either-or situation. It is also a process.
Although, I’d say it’s also worth asking why we even want to follow our passion if we don’t know what our passion is.
I mean, what if your passion was kicking puppies? Don't do that. Find a better passion.
But more seriously, our problem lies in believing that there is a correct choice of action - that’s the appeal of finding your true passion. It creates the image of a correct answer to the question, what should I do with my life?
This is especially appealing to those of us with ADHD because we often have such a wide range of interests and things that we want to do. We don’t want to have to choose what we want to pursue; we want there to be a right answer. And it feels like perhaps if we listen to enough podcasts, read enough books, and spend enough time thinking about it, we’ll find that answer.
To add to that, we have to deal with the fact that we also have ADHD, and that makes following through with what we want to do hard. But it feels like if we find that thing we are truly passionate about, perhaps our ADHD won’t be quite as much in the way. Or maybe our ADHD is what makes our passion work—we can harness our hyperfocus or draw upon all our disparate interests to create something unique.
One of the things that we have to keep in mind is that no matter what we do, we’re always going to have ADHD. Regardless of what we’re doing, ADHD can make it hard for us to follow through with our intentions. While I try not to be all doom and gloom about having ADHD, it does need to be acknowledged that even in the best circumstances, this condition is going to make a lot of things harder to do.
I think this is an incredibly important point because if we’re trying to find our passion through what comes easily to us, then we’re going to have a bad time. Not just because we often get bored with what’s easy but also because there are parts of everything that are going to be a struggle—even the parts we enjoy.
I love writing and get a ton out of it, but right now, my Steamdeck is calling to me, telling me that I could take a 15- — maybe even a 30-minute break to play some video games. And so I’m experiencing resistance to sitting down and putting words to paper. About the only thing keeping me in my seat right now is the fact that I have a deadline on finishing this episode.
This is what a big piece of this podcast is about - how do we get ourselves to do what we want to do?
So, it’s incredibly important that when we think about purpose, we realize that even those things that we want to do are going to be hard. Combine that with the fact that there will be parts that will naturally be hard, and it becomes clear that ease of effort is the wrong metric for finding a passion.
So what’s the right metric, then?
Again, I think it’s important to emphasize that there is no “right” answer here. This isn’t something where we’re going to have a spark of insight while we’re showering and have everything fall into place. But we can look for what actually makes us happy with what we do, and for that, we can look to Self-Determination Theory (SDT).
This psychological framework posits that people are motivated to grow and change by three universal needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. If we feel in control of our lives, capable of doing things well, and connected to others, we will thrive regardless of what we choose to do.
So, let’s talk about what is involved here.
Autonomy refers to how much control you have over how you fill your time. Now, what’s important to remember here is that this isn’t just about the explicit demands that are put on you but also all the things that you feel like you have to do. You may have a high degree of autonomy on something, but if it still feels like you are being pulled along, it may be hard for you to actually feel that autonomy.
Next, we have competence, which is just about our ability to be good at what we do. Again, this is important to understand in relation to how we view that competence. It doesn’t matter if you’ve mastered a skill if you think that you’re only mediocre at best. This is worth mentioning in regards to ADHD since many of us suffer from imposter syndrome, where we don’t believe that we’ve earned where we are.
Finally, we have relatedness, which is our feeling of connection to others. This need is about building meaningful relationships and feeling part of a community. When people experience relatedness, they feel more motivated and fulfilled because they see themselves as valued members of a group, whether it be family, friends, or colleagues. Which again is something that many of us with ADHD can struggle with.
So, while it is easy to identify that what we need to look for is autonomy, competence, and relatedness, it is also clear that those things aren’t always going to be the most natural fit when you have ADHD. But that doesn’t mean that they aren’t valuable things to look for. In fact, looking through those precepts again, I think we can acknowledge that despite the difficulty, those things are incredibly important for our ADHD brains.
It is because we struggle with these things that makes them so important. Research suggests that interventions based on SDT principles can improve self-regulation, motivation, and overall well-being for those with ADHD.
This means that instead of looking for an all-defining purpose or finding a passion that we are destined to follow, we want to look for things that will build our long-term satisfaction with what we do. This means that instead of finding our passion, it is instead something that we build into.
My worry with this piece is that it may feel like I'm just kicking the proverbial can down the road—that I’m just rewording the question of being unable to find one’s passion. So I want to come back to the point that what we’re looking for here doesn’t have a right answer, but looking for our passion is asking the wrong question.
Because what are we really asking here? We’re asking what would give us the most satisfaction with our lives—what’s the correct course I’m supposed to be taking? These questions suppose that there will be “an answer,” when in reality, countless paths lead to life satisfaction.
With that said, it is worth considering that while there is no right answer, there are certainly wrong answers. But this is great because it gives us a starting point because now we can ask, well, what don’t I want to do? And we can answer this question in as specific or broad terms as we want to. Don’t want to work in an office? Great, that gives you a huge lead. Or maybe it’s as simple as I don’t want to be a garbage collector—although, I don’t get that, the trucks they drive look sweet.
Regardless, starting from the position of what you don’t want is a great starting point as you work on building towards the things you want. From there, it is about building autonomy, competence, and relatedness within that framework.
This Episode’s Top Tips
No one always has everything together. Don’t compare your lowlight reel to someone else’s highlights—everyone struggles, even if they aren’t advertising it. It’s unrealistic to think that we need to have everything together all the time; just focus on doing what you can.
Tasks like managing emails are ongoing processes, not one-time achievements.
Self-determination theory’s principles are autonomy, competence, and relatedness—all of which are incredibly important for us to cultivate in managing our ADHD.