How to Keep Going When Life Feels Impossible
Over the last few weeks, it has been increasingly difficult for me to keep myself focused on what I want to be focused on. I don’t think I have to particularly speak to the reasons; we’re all handling the state of the world in our own ways - in many ways, it has a similar feel to the beginning of the pandemic, where I felt like I needed to pay extra attention to the news because so many people around me were ignoring the alarm bells.
Trying to deal with all of this while also having to grapple with the cognitive dissonance of having to go on with real life while all of this is also going on at the same time can be incredibly difficult. It feels like we should be able to press pause on all the other things going on in our life.
But regardless of how we feel, time marches on.
In today’s episode, we’re tackling how to navigate life when focus feels impossible, why we turn to numbing when we’re overwhelmed, and most importantly, how we can break out of that cycle in a way that actually supports us.
The #1 ADHD Coaching app for teens and adults. Use code HACKINGYOURADHD for 30% of your first month!
One of the stories I haven’t talked about much on this podcast is about one of the most difficult times in my life, which was right after my mom died. It was a sudden, unexpected event. I saw her one week and then was away for the weekend and she was gone. And life went on. And I don’t mean that in the sense that I moved on from her death quickly, but rather that life didn’t screech to a standstill.
There were things that needed to get done, not just in the sense that I now had to deal with all the work that comes along with someone dying—things like informing the rest of the family, preparing the funeral, and clearing out her house. But also, my kids had to get to school. They also needed to eat. I needed to eat, too—and then, of course, laundry, dishes, showers, checking email, taking out trash, and everything else that goes along with living your life.
I mean, even the day after she died, my daughter had parent-teacher conferences. I didn’t want to stay at home alone, so I went along, and it was incredibly surreal how the world didn’t stop in place for my tragedy.
Now, this occurred before I started the podcast, so I can’t imagine how I’d have handled trying to keep going with it at the same time, and of course, no one would have blamed me for taking time off.
And just as a side note here, working my way through my mom’s death was a big factor in getting this podcast launched, with the first episode coinciding with the anniversary of her passing. She was a big believer in serendipity so it felt fairly appropriate.
As I said, no one would have blamed me for taking time off. It would have been expected, even. But right now, with everything that’s going on in the world, we are expected to just keep going on. We still have to eat. We still have bills to pay. There are still things on my to-do list that I want to make sure get done.
And yet, my focus wavers. Even in the best of times, I can have trouble staying focused on what I want to concentrate on. Right now, I need to put in that extra effort if I want to keep going. But that’s not always the level of effort I have available. And I think it’s vital that we’re acknowledging that it takes this extra effort right now because if there is one thing I can’t stop harping on when doing this podcast, it is how important it is to non-judgmentally step back and observe what’s actually going on.
One of my first inclinations when starting to work on this episode was to talk about how to get ourselves to focus when focusing is hard. Ways we can push through that resistance. And to be sure, we are going to get there. But first, let’s also try to give ourselves a bit of grace. It’s okay if you’re having a hard time and we’re not always going to be able to push through. Just take a breath and go easy on yourself.
Okay - let’s start off by talking a bit about numbing.
When we’re numbing, we’re trying to avoid facing uncomfortable emotions or realities. This can include overindulgence in TV, social media, food, alcohol, or drugs. But, importantly, numbing can also come from things that aren’t vices. A few weeks ago, I was checking in with a friend, and he told me the way he was dealing with everything was just really diving into his work. He figured he’d just make it so that he was so busy that he couldn’t even consider what was going on in the world.
Now, remember, our definition of numbing is behaviors focused on avoiding our feelings. This means this guy was absolutely using numbing by trying to overwork himself and avoid feeling his feelings. I also know people who dive into exercise in a similar way. And I do want to emphasize that I’m specifically speaking about doing these activities to avoid paying attention to how you’re feeling.
With this in mind, there are a few questions that are popping up for me - the first being, “Well, what’s so bad about numbing when everything is out of my control?”
Because it does feel like it would be nice to zone out for a while and not think about everything going on, it feels like the more I pay attention to everything, the more stressed I feel and that, at some point, I’m going to pop, so maybe I do need to disengage - even if just for a little bit.
And yes, don’t let yourself pop. That’s also super not helpful, especially if that popping involves yelling at your friends and family or going down some other self-destructive rabbit hole.
But we also have to know that we have more options than just numbing out or hyper-stress. I know with ADHD, moderation can be incredibly difficult, but I’m not even really talking about moderation here - what I’m trying to say is that we have more than just those two options; there are other ways that we can direct ourselves that are going to be way better options, in both the short term and long term.
And it’s important to note that while it feels like we could enter a state of being comfortably numb and just kind of go with the flow, the truth is that when we’re in that state, we’re just hiding from our feelings, but they're still there, just under the surface. Being comfortable implies a sense of being at ease, a sense of contentment, but what numbing brings is detached indifference. Numbing may feel like the natural response to stress, and in some ways, it is, but it is only meant to be temporary. It’s a way for us to cope when things get to be too much. Sometimes, we just need some time to just stare at the wall.
And trust me, I get it: when things feel out of control, it is tough to engage in the ways that you want to. This episode has been on the back burner for the last few weeks because it just wasn’t something I could handle writing at the time.
It's completely acceptable to say, "Hey, I can’t handle this right now," and tune out for a bit—to give yourself some time to regroup. But it doesn’t work as a long-term solution.
Now, with that said, I know one of my biggest faults is that often, when I get into the mindset of turning things around, I fall into the trap of thinking, “Go big or go home,” because, well, of course, I want to go big. If I’m making a change, let’s really get something going.
But that’s not how we want to approach this. I mean, with my track record, more often than not, “go big or go home” means that I’m going home.
We don’t need the “Ultimate plan where I never rest and I feel great all the time and everything always gets done and I guess that I just don’t have ADHD anymore plan”
Please raise your hand if you have written out something like that - not in those words, but those ideas. Because I know I have, and it just feels so good at the moment, and then wow, yeah, that is just not something I’m ever going to be able to follow through on because it’s not a plan. It’s a fantasy… and not even a particularly good one.
This is essential to remember while we’re talking about moving away from numbing. We need to pace ourselves and allow ourselves to take breaks. Of course, this is tricky because taking those breaks can resemble the same numbing behaviors we’re trying to avoid.
Understanding your intentions, feelings, and outcomes is crucial for distinguishing between genuinely taking a break and engaging in numbing behavior.
Numbing is a form of escapism; we’re trying to distract ourselves from reality. When we take breaks, the intention is to rest and rejuvenate. We are typically more present and aware during the activity, even if it is just relaxing or involves doing “nothing.”
And really, the two biggest indicators come from if we’re engaging in something mindlessly and how we feel when we’re done. With numbing, we often feel worse after the fact because while it was able to relieve some of the stress, it was really only in the moment. Generally, a break should leave you feeling refreshed or at least more relaxed.
Think about doom scrolling - this is not an activity I typically intend to partake in, and yet I find myself looking at post after post looking for… I don’t even know. And when I’m finally able to break myself free, I usually couldn’t really tell you much about all I read, but I do know I generally feel worse. I’m doing it because I do want to stay informed, but I also know that with how my brain is currently operating, trying to stay focused on longer-form content isn’t working particularly well.
As a quick aside here, one thing I’ve found that can be particularly helpful when trying to go and read through those longer-form articles is to use a text-to-speech app like Speechify to read them for me. Stress makes my dyslexia worse, which means I read slower, which means my ADHD kicks in, and I get bored because I’m reading so slowly, which makes my concentration shift, which then makes it even harder to read… yeah, it’s a bad time. But when I have something that is doing the reading for me, I have a much better time.
With numbing activities, it can be funny (not haha funny, though) where I’m coming out of them and then feel like I need to take a break. And this is because, again, while numbing activities may relieve some of what you’re feeling, it’s typically only temporary relief. As soon as life kicks back in, so do those negative feelings. Sometimes, we are going to need that bandaid solution, but it’s not something we want to get used to leaning on.
On the other hand, when I’m trying to take a break, I’m going to be doing something that lets me engage with myself a bit more. So this isn’t me saying that I need to take a deep dive into my feelings here, just whatever I’m doing for my break isn’t specifically about trying to disengage.
For example, right now, I’ve gotten into doing these codeword puzzles. They are kind of like reverse crossword puzzles; instead of clues, each letter of the alphabet is represented by a number. The goal is to figure out which number corresponds to which letter, using a few given letters as hints to fill in the grid.
When I’m doing a codeword puzzle, I’m clearly not trying to engage with my feelings; I’m just trying to figure out how to make some words appear when my only clue letters are D, X, and Q. But just as importantly, here, doing these puzzles isn’t something I can use to disengage with my feelings. I’m not just sinking into my puzzles to avoid the world. Now, this isn’t to say that someone couldn’t use doing puzzles to completely disengage; in fact, I’m sure there are people who do just that. But let’s go back to our differentiation between numbing and breaks - how do we feel afterward?
Typically, after a puzzle or two, I feel mentally ready to move on. I don’t feel trapped in what I’m doing. And that’s just what we’re looking for - how do I feel afterward?
And this idea of checking in on how you feel is a great practice to bring into your everyday. It’s incredibly easy for us to just ignore what we’re feeling as we get swept up in our day. Often, when I am acknowledging how I’m feeling, it’s because something went wrong. Maybe it’s that I finally noticed that I really need to pee because now my bladder hurts. Or I’m so hungry that I’m feeling light-headed. Maybe I’ve been sitting in a chair funny and only just now noticed that my leg is completely asleep and my back hurts.
This also applies to my emotional state. If I just scrolled through some headlines, I’m probably feeling a plethora of emotions: sad about a plane crash, angry about a confirmation hearing, scared about what’s coming next, apathetic about the fact that I feel like I can’t do anything about it, and guilty that I’m not doing more.
One of the things that we need to consider with the executive dysfunction that comes with ADHD is that we also have a lot of trouble regulating our emotions. And our emotions are a big part of how we’re able to regulate the rest of our lives.
This is one of the reasons that numbing ourselves can feel like our best option. It’s a lot easier to regulate myself if I’m not “feeling” anything. And, of course, sometimes that’s absolutely what we’re going to need to help us cope with whatever we’re dealing with.
But we also can’t spend all day, every day, numbing ourselves to everything. That means we need to work on identifying how we’re feeling.
With that knowledge, we can then start approaching what we can do—because often, it feels like all we have is our little bucket of water, and we’re standing in front of a great big fire.
So, my final advice in this episode is to work on finding community in any way you can because, yes, all we have is our single bucket, but you don’t have to go it alone. With a community behind us and shoulder to shoulder, every one of our buckets suddenly starts to make a difference.
Despair tells us that there is nothing we can do, but there is always something you can do. You can always resist. This resistance has become my strongest motivator recently. I’m not going to give into despair because that’s what they want. I’m going to keep making things. I’m going to work out harder. I’m going to write more. I’m going to become the best version of myself because by doing so, I’m resisting, and that’s always worth doing.
This Episode's Top Tips
More than anything, I want to remind everyone to give themselves grace when they’re going through something. We’re not always going to get it right, but being hard on ourselves is never the right answer.
Throughout your day, take a moment to check in with how you’re feeling. We tend to ignore our feelings until they become something we have to deal with.
Forget the "Go big or go home" mentality. Tiny changes—like five minutes of mindful breathing or a short walk—are more effective than drastic, unrealistic plans.
When everything feels overwhelming, find support. Whether it’s a friend, an online group, or a therapist, you don’t have to handle everything alone.