With ADHD we get to hear a lot of advice on how to get past our various symptoms. Sometimes that advice isn’t so bad, sometimes it’s pretty good - I mean that’s what I’m trying to do with this podcast. But more often than not the advice we get for how to deal with our ADHD is downright bad.
In this episode we’re going to be exploring some of this unhelpful advice and what makes it bad and hopefully how we might be able to turn it around into something useful.
During my prep for this episode, I was doing some Google searches for bad ADHD advice… You know, figuring what the things people were actually saying about how to help with ADHD that wasn’t working. And I was using those terms exactly - “Bad ADHD advice,” in the beginning, but to my horror, I realized that if I took out the word bad and just searched for “ADHD Advice,” I actually got better results because now I was actually seeing the kind of advice that neurotypicals were trying to give those of with ADHD.
And that’s the problem we’re dealing with, so much of the advice out there for ADHD isn’t written by people with ADHD. It’s written by well-meaning people who think they understand what it means to have executive dysfunction.
The way this kind of advice can come off also is going to be very dependent on the context that it’s coming from. On this channel, I give a lot of advice that could come off as unhelpful if I wasn’t also providing a lot of context on how we can still implement it with our ADHD brains. For example, just take something like using your calendar. Using a calendar is absolutely something that we should be doing to help with our lack of time management skills, but getting the advice to “just use our calendars so we don’t forget” is fairly eye-roll-worthy. Or maybe someone tells us that we just need to set a reminder. Yeah, I set a lot of reminders, but guess what? I still forgot to do that thing I was supposed to do.
And that’s the key here, not only is the context important but it’s important that we’re acknowledging the struggle involved in with implementing the advice. We have to acknowledge that it’s not as simple as “just writing a to-do list.”
And we get into trouble from this because we’re also looking into advice that isn’t designed with ADHD brain in mind. Before I really dived into my ADHD, I still wanted to be more productive - I knew something wasn’t right, so I turned to any productivity expert that I could find. I tried doing all the things that I was supposed to do that neurotypicals claim will boost productivity. A lot of the time, this advice is not only not catered to ADHD, but it is kind of antithetical to the ADHD experience. Nonetheless, when we listen to this stuff, it can get lodged into our brains as the right thing for us to be doing, even if we feel like that particular method is never going to work.
I remember in college going to the library with the idea that if I just sat in the study room long enough that it would eventually make me bored enough to buckle down and really study. Hours later, not only had I not gotten anything done but I was also so mentally exhausted I didn’t have any executive function to try anything else.
Not being able to follow neurotypical advice isn’t a character flaw, we just to focus on what works for our brains.
We also have to keep in mind that ADHD is a spectrum disorder, meaning that we are all going to have slightly different symptoms and different levels of those symptoms. We each have our own unique flavor of ADHD, and that’s before considering any of the comorbidities that are going to be coming along for the ride. This means that we’re also going to always be running into advice that doesn’t necessarily work with our brains. For each of us, there is going to be some typical ADHD advice that just isn’t going to work because it doesn’t mesh with us. Maybe you hate time-block planning or the idea of using accountability to help keep you on track makes your skin crawl.
Again it’s focusing on what works for our brains so we can do all the things we want to do.
But let’s get onto the bad advice… and boy, did I find a lot.
One of the most common ways that we get advice is that we “just need to…” and we can fill in the blank there with any number of things. Just need to use a planner. Just need to focus. Just need to make a list. Just do a little bit every day. Just keep a journal. Just buckle down and do it.
This advice is so frustrating because it completely hand-waves away everything to do with having ADHD. The reason we’re not doing those things is because we can’t “just” do it. Yeah, it would be great if I could “just” decide that I wanted to focus, but I can’t - literally. I mean, the condition is called attention deficit hyperactivity disorder for a reason. And my deficits in executive function and time management skills are what is keeping me from following through with my intentions to do all the things that I’m “just” supposed to be able to do. Even things that I know are going to be good for me to do are going to be a struggle for me to keep up with. It’s not just doing the thing, it’s the strategies around doing the thing that I need.
Another piece of advice that goes hand in hand with this one is, “if you really wanted to do it, you’d do it.” This isn’t always advice; often, it’s a condemnation of our character - but it can come out in the “hey, you just got to want it more” kind of way as advice too. This always reminds me of sports broadcasters crediting one team’s victory with them “wanting it more.” And it’s like, really? Do you think that was the deciding factor? That one team “wanted” it more? Of all the factors that go into who wins these kinds of events, the desire to win was the most important thing?
And of course, the desire to do a thing plays a huge role in what we’re able to do with our ADHD, but the thing is that I could very badly want to do something and still find myself stalling out due to my executive dysfunction. And as with the advice to “just do the thing,” the issue here is that it isn’t “just” that simple.
The piece of advice I see that produces the most laughs for me is “to make something a habit or routine, like brushing your teeth.”
Now I’ll have you know at my last dental check-up I did great - no cavities and the dentist said my teeth looked pretty good. But that can be kind of unusual for me and this is not as a result of having brushing my teeth down as an unconscious habit that I just do every day. It’s the result of implementing a ton of strategies to make the whole process easier so that I’ll actually do it.
So having the advice to make something a habit like brushing my teeth always makes me laugh because that seemingly simple task is something that does not come easily to me. I mean, I wish it did, but that’s not reality.
I also get a laugh out of the advice that if something is going to take less than five minutes, then I should just do it right then. Well, first off, I have severe deficits in my time estimation abilities - there are a lot of things that I estimate are going to take less than five minutes that often take me far longer. I also have a lot of things where I think it’s going to take forever to do something when in reality, it literally takes seconds - which is why I have a pile of coats on the floor instead of taking the time to hang them up.
But additionally, I can’t afford to let myself get off track doing another task that is going to “just take five minutes” because I can be pretty sure that when I finish that task, I’m not going to be getting back to what I was doing before. And now I’m laughing to myself because I was going to take a quick break from writing for a little bit but decided to write one more sentence, and now I’ve done an additional 3-4 paragraphs after I turned off my music. So kind of worked out in this case, but I really should still take that break.
There is also a lot we hear about ADHD that is often paired with this unhelpful advice that isn’t quite as harmless. We might hear that ADHD doesn’t exist or that everyone is a little bit ADHD (which is the same as saying it doesn’t really exist). And this undercuts all of the struggles that we go through with this disorder.
While it is easy to see the spectrum of ADHD traits in people who don’t have it, that isn’t the same thing as everyone being a little ADHD. Yeah, everyone can lose their keys, but that’s something that I’m going to do every time if I don’t put them exactly where they are supposed to go. Yeah, everyone can lose track of time, but I’m always going to be late if I’m not putting in the systems to make sure I’m reminded of when I need to leave.
When we’re being evaluated for ADHD, the criteria isn’t about whether or not we experience the symptoms. It’s about if we experience those symptoms chronically and if those symptoms impair our daily life.
ADHD is a disability and can be incredibly impairing for us. Some times it’s easy for me to overlook how impairing my ADHD can be, but that’s only because I’m on medication and the number of strategies that I’ve developed to mitigate my ADHD. When I’m off my medication and not following my strategies I’m a mess. And even with that all in place, I still have ADHD and it still can be a struggle.
This idea can also manifest as someone saying that ADHD is just an excuse for you to be lazy. This version is especially insidious because it preys upon a fear that many of us with ADHD hold. It is incredibly easy to mistake ADHD for laziness from the outside because you can’t see executive dysfunction. But it’s also easy to mistake from the inside because it feels like if we just had more willpower that we could do all those things we want to do. That if we were able to just try harder it would happen.
But of course, this isn’t the case. If we could solve executive function just by trying harder, we’d have solved this long ago. We already try incredibly hard. ADHD isn’t an excuse for laziness.
And really when we look at laziness, it’s not so clear cut about what’s even going on. Laziness is defined as the disinclination to activity or exertion despite having the ability to act or to exert oneself. But often when I’m “being lazy” it’s because I don’t have the ability to get myself to do the things I want to do. We often call ourselves lazy when we’re doing the things that our bodies and minds need. But taking breaks and letting ourselves recover isn’t lazy.
But with ADHD we’re often trying a lot harder to get the same amount of work done as our neurotypical peers and that means we need more time to recover, and so we’re often labeled as lazy because we’re not doing things the neurotypical way. But we need that recovery and we need to do things in ways that work with our ADHD.
This Episode’s Top Tips
Much of the ADHD advice available is not written by people with ADHD and doesn't consider the context and struggles of individuals with executive dysfunction. ADHD is a spectrum disorder with varying symptoms and levels, and advice may not work for everyone; individuals may have preferences or aversions to specific strategies or approaches based on their brain types.
Common ADHD advice of "just do it" or "if you really wanted to do it, you'd do it" oversimplifies the challenges of ADHD and doesn’t take into account how the symptoms of ADHD are going to prevent you from following through on that advice.
ADHD is a real and impairing disorder, not an excuse or laziness. ADHD symptoms are chronic and significantly impact daily life.