Dear ADHD

Dear ADHD,

It feels like it's been a long time since I last wrote you, but I think that is mostly just time blindness.

It's been quite a year with the new podcast, hasn't it? We've certainly had our ups and downs - and while I'd like to blame all my downs on you, I know that isn't entirely true. As I've been working on the show these last few months I've had a bit of a perspective shift. I've always thought that I need to be better at working with you, but spending the time to actually articulate those thoughts has been really helpful.

I've always kind of thought I knew what I needed to do, but it's become a lot more apparent to me that those thoughts are actually getting in the way of me figuring out what I really need to do. When I just assume that I already know what I need to do I close a bunch of doors I never even realized were there. Instead of looking at ways that I can work with you, I instead find myself focusing on what a neurotypical would do. And I've got to really accept that doing things the way neurotypicals do them isn't always the best way for me to do them. This means I'm going to need to spend a lot more time questioning what I "know" because there are so many other ways I could do things. 

This shift has also really helped me accept that trying harder is just never the answer. And what does trying harder even mean? Like, "oh I'll just use more willpower" or "I just won't forget to do something?" The problem with the idea of just trying harder is that it is doesn't tell me what I really need to do and it doesn't address why I was having a problem in the first place.

For example, I was trying to lose some weight this year and if I said, "hey I just need to try harder to stay on my diet," that's basically me saying, "okay, just don't mess up this time" - just imagine someone giving you that advice - I might punch someone. It isn't like I set out to mess up in the first place. Even if I have some success with "trying harder" that probably just means that I wasn't hitting the same speed bumps I was last time - I'm not trying harder things are just explicable easier. So screw that, if it isn't advice I'd give someone else, than I'm not giving it to myself.

I know I'm going to struggle sometimes and sometimes I'm not going to be able to predict what those struggles are going to be. I'm not going to be perfect in anything I do and I shouldn't expect to be. It's reality that I'm going to struggle and that I'm going to mess up. I'm not perfect and I just can get up and try again.

I've made a lot of strides in giving up on being perfect, but I still have really high standards for myself - and having high standards is okay, but I've also got to accept that I'm not always going to be hitting those standards and that doesn't make me any lesser. We're not going to have perfect days every day or even most days. 

And this is getting me thinking about the idea that ADHD is a superpower - this is something I've been seeing pop up more and more often but I'm not entirely sure what it means. I mean if you were my superpower, I can't imagine the Justice League knocking on my door anytime soon. Honestly, how messed up is it to tell someone struggling with ADHD that they are wrong, and that in fact their condition is really a superpower. That's just piling onto the whole "I'm not good enough" mentality that a lot of us develop, because if you're a superpower and I'm still struggling I guess that just means I suck a whole lot more than I thought.

I can't imagine just ignoring the hard parts of ADHD to call you a superpower. I hate when I think I've budgeted enough time but end up being late anyways because time blindness. And I hate that I can lose my train of thought in the middle of a sentence. I hate that I can struggle with some really basic stuff because my brain won't let me get started. For example I'm working on this day before it's being released. I hate that I let myself bring work home sometimes because I wasn't able to finish it during the week. I don't want to be that guy that makes my wife watch the kids while I'm doing work on the weekends, but sometimes that's what I get with ADHD.

And just so I'm clear, I'm definitely not on board with the whole ADHD is a curse thing either. Yeah, there are a lot of things that I struggle with that you make harder, but that is where the whole idea of working with your ADHD comes in. When I'm not butting heads with you, we can do some pretty cool things together. I like the creativity you bring and that we can come up with so many cool ideas. And while I wish that you'd meet me halfway more often, I've also got to accept that I don't get to steer the boat nearly as much as I want.

One thing that I'll always appreciate about my mom is that when I was diagnosed with dyslexia as a kid she made clear to me that being dyslexic didn't make me any better or worse than any other kid, it just meant my brain was wired a little bit differently. I didn't learn to read until I was in the 4th grade and so that was something I really needed to hear. And then when I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 20's those same thoughts just transferred over. ADHD doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else, it just means I do things a bit differently and you know what, I kind of like that.

Thanks for sticking with me all the way to the end - normally this is where I'd be giving you a run down of today's top tips but I don't really think that applies for today's episodes. 

Instead, I'd like to encourage you to write your own letters to your ADHD - or if you don't have ADHD and are listening as an ally then try and write a letter to something else in your life - maybe you need to write a letter to your eating habits, your people pleasing or maybe your procrastination. It can feel silly when you start but it's a great way to get a better understand of what's going on in your head. I know it has really helped me.