I was recently thinking about kids being picky eaters and how there is a movement where we’re not supposed to say picky anymore; we’re supposed to say they’re selective eaters.
And you know what, I get that. I grew up as a picky kid, and… let’s be honest, I’m a fairly picky adult as well. Scratch that, selective adult.
And I know it’s semantics, but I often find semantics are important. Because if we’re reframing this idea of being picky into being selective, it loses a lot of that negative connotation, and it gives a lot more power to the idea that what we’re doing is we’re making choices. In this case, making choices about food, but I think this is something we should keep in mind as we’re moving into the new year because a lot of us are going to find that we’re going to need to be more selective with our goals, especially in regard to New Year’s Resolutions.
And this is the idea that we’re going to be exploring in this episode - what are the things that we really want to focus on doing - what are the things that we want to commit ourselves to, and then what are the things that we should be letting go of.
The phrase I want to start with here is, “You can do anything, but you can’t do everything.”
It’s a phrase I’ve used a number of times and it’s usually a line I end on because it has a nice oomph to it. But today, we’re going to start with it because it really underpins what this episode is about. With ADHD, we tend to have a lot of things that we want to do. We have a lot of ambition about what we’re capable of doing - even to the point where if we are doing something, it feels like we should also be doing something more.
While this isn’t always a bad thing, it means there are a ton of things we’re interested in and that we often have a ton of options, but at this time of year, it can be especially crippling as we try and figure out what the things we want to focus on are.
Too often, I find myself choosing an area that I’m going to be focused on but also have a second secret focus that I also want to be working on, which is fine, but only as long as I accept that the second focus comes second. Only as long as I accept that if I can’t follow through on this second focus, it doesn’t mean I’m failing.
Because that’s really the problem: while I know, I should focus on one thing and that I can only pull my attention in so many directions, it can often feel like I’m failing if I’m not hitting the mark on everything. I’ll feel like I should start pulling from the other areas of my life so that I can make that time. But the thing is that I only have so much focused time on any given day. Some days, I can push a little and get even more done, but that’s not the bar I should be setting for every day. I need time to relax and recharge.
And it’s this time of year when we’re in the thick of it that it can feel like we’re on the precipice of total system collapse. It can feel like it’s time to just give up trying everything because we’re tired, and it’s just not worth it anymore. But we’re also inundated with messaging about never quitting and how we need to fight to reach our goals. So we think, maybe if we push just a little bit harder, we might get to a place where we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And so we waver in this state of quasi-quitting. We don’t want to actually quit because that means we’re a failure right? And we’ve done enough of that.
But we also don’t want to keep going because we can feel the burnout rearing up. We just hold on, hoping that we don’t hit a bump in the road… or perhaps hoping that we do, because then there is a good reason that we had to quit. No one would blame us for dropping that New Year’s resolution if we had a good reason.
I want to tell you that if you’re feeling this way, it’s absolutely okay to quit. Even if it’s something that you feel would be good for you. The demonization of quitting is one of those things that just doesn’t make sense when actually slow down to think about it.
There are plenty of times when quitting is the right answer. Before this podcast, I ran a short-lived podcast about ultimate frisbee. Had I not quit doing that podcast, I would never have started this one. Am I glad I did the other podcast? Absolutely, it made doing this one so much easier, but it wasn’t the right thing for me to stick with.
There are plenty of things in life that are worth quitting just because they aren’t what we actually want. Started a book that just isn’t vibing with you, quit reading it. Eating a meal that tastes bad, go ahead and quit eating. Watching a boring show, quit and go do something else.
And if you have a goal that isn’t aligning with who you are or who you want to be, yeah, it’s okay to quit that as well.
But it’s also essential here is to work on understanding the nuance behind why we want to quit.
It’s important for us to examine both the reason we want to do the thing as well as why we want to quit. As I mentioned, there have been plenty of things in my life that I’ve started, only to realize they weren’t the thing for me. But that’s why it’s important to go through this process of determining both why you started and why you want to quit. Because sometimes, when we want to quit, it’s just because we’re in a hard part, and that’s often actually when we shouldn’t quit.
A lot of great things require some hard parts. The question we have to ask ourselves is if we’re willing to go through those hard parts to get to the thing we want. Sometimes, the answer is going to be no, and that means it’s okay to quit. But for those things that we really do want, those things that we are willing to go through the hard parts for, those are the things we need to stick with when the going gets tough.
Of course, it’s also important that we remember that we don’t have to do everything in the hardest way possible. Sure it’s worth doing the hard things to get those things you want, but it’s also okay to reassess and figure out if maybe there’s a better way. If you’re thinking about quitting on something you really want because you’re in a hard part, well, what’s making it so hard, and is there a way that you could make it easier? Maybe you need some accountability, maybe you just need to take a different approach, or maybe you just need to take smaller steps.
What we have to remember is that everything we’re doing is an iterative process, meaning that we make progress through repeated cycles of improvement, refinement, and adjustment. Sometimes, we’re going to be taking steps forward, and sometimes, we’ll be taking steps back, and it’s never going to be a straight path.
Focus on what’s working and figure out what you can do that will make the process more sustainable. Maybe you’re trying to eat healthier, and while it is something you really want, you are still struggling. But maybe it’s because you just need to tone things down a bit. Instead of “no sugar for the year” (which, wow, that seems a bit extreme) you tone it down to inviting a friend over to try a low sugar recipe once a week. I know we want to go with the knockout punch and really hit that goal, but if we can reframe it into something that’s a bit more manageable and has a bit of accountability tied to it, we’re going to be so much better off.
What we’re really trying to do here is reframe our narrative from “I failed” into “I’m redirecting my effort into something that’s going to work,” or at least a new iteration because it could very well take a few iterations to find what actually works for you. Remember, it’s okay if what’s working for someone else isn’t working for you; you need to find the things that work best for your brain, not the things that seem like they should work.
There have been a lot of things in my life that I have committed to doing that, upon further reflection, weren’t actually things that I wanted. Just things that it seemed like I should want. Sometimes, that can manifest from things like keeping up with the Jones and feeling like you’re getting left behind. Other times, it comes from building up an image in your mind of what that thing is and realizing, maybe, actually, it isn’t for you.
One phrase that’s comically coming to mind is, “You just have to want it more”! and this is making me laugh because this is said so often in a derisive tone.
If they really wanted it, they would have tried harder.
And yeah, that might actually be true. If that thing was truly the thing I wanted above all other things, then, sure, that drive might be there. But it’s not because, well, while I do want it, I don’t want it that badly.
And in terms of goals, this is something that’s even more important for us to consider because often when we’re pursuing a goal, there are going to be trade-offs that have to be made. Let’s go back to that line we started the episode with: you can do anything, but you can’t do everything.
When we’re pursuing a particular goal, it means that there are other things that are going to have to be put on the back burner. When I talked about those secondary secret goals, that’s a sign that there are other things I want to do that I’m not willing to give up, and it means that I need to figure out how to realign what I’m doing so that I can plan around the things that I really want to do. Sometimes, that is going to mean that I do have to quit some of the stuff that, while it feels important and good to do, doesn’t actually reflect what my priorities are.
So, here’s the takeaway: Quitting your New Year’s resolution - or really any goal that isn’t working for you, isn’t the end of the road. It’s a chance to realign, refocus, and redirect your energy towards what you actually want.
Let’s stop treating quitting like it’s a dirty word. It’s not about giving up—it’s about letting go of what’s holding you back so you can move forward and do those things you really want to do.
This Episode's Top Tips
You can do anything, but you can’t do everything. If something feels draining, unaligned, or no longer serves you, it’s okay to move on.
Work on reframing quitting as a positive. We’re redirecting our energy toward something more meaningful and prioritizing those things that we really want.
Focus on sustainability. If a goal feels overwhelming, reassess and try to find a more manageable way to approach it.