Putting the Hyper in Hypersensitivity
While it might seem like paying attention to what we're sensitive to is simply a matter of preference, there are plenty of practical considerations to make as well. It's not just that we feel uncomfortable, but also these sensitivities also serve as additional distractions for us. When we're highly sensitive to things it is a lot easier for us to get overwhelmed by them. As I've said many times before, it doesn't take a whole lot to derail me, so I've got to focus on limiting those things that are going to take me off the rails. Because as I keep adjusting my shirt to get that tag to stop itching me in that one spot that I can't really stretch... eventually I'm going to want to just take off my shirt. Most of the time that isn't an option and so I have to live with this feeling - but that's not a great option and that's going to lead me to feeling completely overwhelmed by the situation.
These things often serve simply as distractions. While just ignoring them might seem like an ideal solution, it hardly ever works that way with our ADHD. Unless we can really refocus our attention, we’re not actually ignoring these things... we’re just building that pressure until we explode.
Let's just imagine a ticking clock...
This is one of my big pet peeves.
We say, no, it'll be okay. I can handle this. I'm an adult. It's just ticking. I'll just ignore it.
Okay... ignoring it.
Yeah, it's just a clock. Not a big deal. I can just click my pen in time with it.
Okay. It's not stopping. I mean I know it's not going to stop, it's a clock. That's what they do. They serve as my sworn enemy.
And at this point, I'll get up from my chair and attempt to throw the clock across the room. And then I'll jump back into thinking about how I should have been able to just ignore it and that point I'm completely off the rails.
In our heads we should be above having these distractions derail us, but what I've learned in life is that I have to accept things as they are. It doesn't how much I wish things were different somehow. How much I wish that my brain could filter these things out. And perhaps with enough training that might be possible... or it could just be an exercise in frustration.
Instead I find it's better to try and meet myself where I am and that means trying to limit my exposure to these distracting stimuli.
Of course, easier said than done.
One of the most common complaints from sensitive people are clothing tags - especially those in the back of your shirt. And that has to have been come up by someone who was especially sadistic - you put the tag in the middle of the back of the shirt, how am I supposed to effectively adjust it. Every time I move, it moves too.
In the last few years, I finally found my perfect t-shirts, which are just black Costco 32 Degrees brand athletic shirts - tagless and the fit is right so most of the day I don't really notice them. But shirts are just one piece of it... I mean, Winnie the Pooh can get away with just wearing a t-shirt, but I'm not so lucky. We've also got to find comfortable leg prisons, erm, I mean pants, and socks that aren't going to need to be constantly adjusted. Underwear that doesn't chafe or get too sweaty. Also, we need more pockets cause if we don't carry our stuff on us we're probably going to forget it and where else are we going to put that cool rock we found?
Unfortunately, most of this is something that you've just got to figure out on your own because what's comfortable for me may not work for you.
Beyond clothing, we also want to try and limit anything else that can overstimulate us.
I know that when I'm in large crowds it often becomes completely overwhelming to me - all the visual movement and the press of people and sound of so many people moving and talking. It's not exactly agoraphobia but it certainly is uncomfortable. And it doesn't even have to be super crowded - I can get those uncomfortable feelings at something like a busy grocery store. Amazingly I have found one of the best tricks here is just to wear my noise-canceling headphones when I'm shopping. By just dropping one of those stimuli it improves the whole experience.
And of course, those noise-canceling headphones are great in terms of work as well. When I'm in my office I'm almost always wearing them and so I just don't notice the noise from people talking outside or walking down the hallway (although I usually can still pick up on the vibrations in the floor... what can I say, we notice things). By cutting off one of the major sources of stimulus in my it really improves my working experience. One less thing to distract me.
Additionally, in my office, I make sure to have good light sources so that I'm not straining my eyes while I'm working. There is some research that fluorescent lighting can be especially difficult with ADHD because of the harshness of the light and its invisible flicker - and even beyond that, I always remember at school when I was in classrooms with those buzzing fluorescent lights that the noise was especially distracting.
And there are also other areas where this sensitivity can be crop up. Are there bad smells around? Is it too hot? Too cold? These are all things we have to think about when we're trying to set up our ideal environments. And the solutions aren't always obvious ones - I know that I find a lot of the smells in typical air fresheners particularly unpleasant - which for a long time boggled my mind, like, what in the world are people doing using these awful smells to cover up other awful smells?
I remember as a kid that I thought my dad's aftershave/cologne was the worst smell in the world... like I'd actively avoid being around him in the morning after he put it on - or the area in the house he had put it on... I can just see little me running through the front hall holding my breath so I wouldn't have to breathe it in. Thank goodness my mom usually drove me to school.
This all makes a lot more sense when I realize it isn't other people ignoring these smells, it's just that I'm a lot more sensitive to them.
Smells are interesting because they are one of the things we're most likely to notice when they changed, but also something that we can quickly get used to. Yeah, we absolutely notice when someone cooks fish in the office microwave, but we also have almost no sense of what our house smells like. We quickly (ish) go nose blind to the scents we're constantly exposed to - it's just our brain going, oh yeah this, we don't need to pay attention to this, we already know what it smells like. But this also leads new smells to be especially easy for us to pick up on our radar.
If you're having problems with smells an option here is to get something like a scent diffuser that isn't too intense - although I do want to note here that there are a ton of claims about essential oils and aromatherapy for ADHD that are not scientifically validated. All I'm advocating here is that you can improve your environment if it smells nice - just be cautious that some of these can trigger allergies or asthma in some people, and as highly sensitive people we are more prone to allergies. It's no fun to completely diffuse your house with a scent that gives you headaches... that's how I learned that we can't use lemongrass as a cleaner in my house. Yeah...
The point here really is that we're going to have to experiment with a lot of these things because there is no one size fits all solution - but we don't always have to start from scratch. Looking for those tagless options, the noise reduction headphones, the cleaners with low or no scent options can save a lot of time and hassle as we find what works for us.
For some of us being called sensitive, is well, a sensitive issue. When you're a sensitive person there are those who will tease you about it or just tell you to toughen up. And since we are sensitive, that actually really affects us. We don't want to take offense to it, but the thoughts still linger in our heads.
As I mentioned in the top of the show, this sensitivity can show up in our emotions as well. Depending on where you live emotional dysregulation might not be part of an ADHD diagnosis. While it is considered one of the six fundamental features used to diagnose ADHD in the European Union, it isn't even considered a symptom in the United States and isn't included in the DSM-V.
Now I'll say, my ADHD affects all areas of my life, including my emotions - my impulsivity and ability to focus are both affected by my emotions, and my emotions affect them. I can't imagine how something as brain-based as ADHD wouldn't have an effect on my emotions. Part of the reason that it is often overlooked is that it's hard to measure emotions, and so we kind of just sweep it under the rug. But that doesn't mean it doesn't have a big effect on our lives.
One of the most common manifestations of our emotional dysregulation is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (which is commonly referred to as RSD). Now it's important for me to mention here that there isn't a lot of research on RSD and as I mentioned above it is also not part of a formal diagnosis. However, RSD is something that a lot of ADHDers find incredibly validating.
But all of that doesn't really explain what Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria really is, although I'm sure many of you perked up at the words. For many of we've always felt that we were particularly sensitive to rejection, that we are so sensitive to even the idea of getting rejected by someone or something that we stop putting ourselves out there.
RSD is characterized by:
Emotional outbursts after criticism or rejection (perceived or real, doesn't really matter)
Low self-esteem
Rumination and overthinking
Withdrawal and avoidance of social situations
And it's accompanied by intense feelings that can be excruciating.
Now let me be clear, no one really enjoys failing and no one wants to be rejected. I mean if you're putting yourself out there it's because you're going after something that you want, so it's going to feel bad when you don't get it. But with RSD, these feelings are far more intense. It can feel like you've been hollowed out or even like a punch to the gut.
Because of these feelings, we can find ourselves avoiding social situations where we might get rejected... which is really pretty much all of them, but in particular, ones where we're trying to fit into a new group and gain acceptance.
This does not, however, mean that we are doomed to always feel this way. There are ways to crawl out of the pits of RSD. One of the biggest factors from RSD is simply the fear of feeling it. We know how it's going to feel and so we actively avoid situations that can trigger it. Worse than actually experience the symptoms is our fear of experiencing them. So while avoidance of social situations can be effective at reducing the symptoms that can seriously put a damper on our lives.
One method to work on this is some exposure therapy to rejection. In the book, Rejection Proof, Jia Jiang goes on a journey to experience 100 rejections to get him over his fear of rejection. Now, I'm not sure that I'd recommend his exact approach, but going out and trying to get rejected makes it so the rejection doesn't sting nearly as much. I mean you accomplished what you were trying to do and experiencing rejection in low-stakes situations can help your brain get past the barriers holding you back. Additionally, what Jiang found on his journey was that people were way more likely to accept his requests than he ever expected.
This doesn't mean that getting past RSD will be quick or easy. It's just saying that there are things we can do.
What often helps the most with RSD is simply the understanding that the feelings are, while perhaps not "normal" are at least in the realm of the symptoms of ADHD. That it's not just us who feels the overwhelm of simple rejections - because we also often feel guilt with these feelings. We feel like we shouldn't be feeling this way, which only makes us feel worse and then we feel bad about feeling bad. It's not a great cycle - but when we know that this is just another extension of our ADHD is helps us create an understanding of those feelings. We're better able to frame them and know that this too shall pass.
This Episode’s Top Tips
Many people with ADHD also report being hypersensitive (or being a highly sensitive person), which means that they process certain emotional and/or physical stimuli more intensely or thoroughly than others. It also means that we tend to process more aspects of our environment than other people.
To help limit all the stimuli we receive we can do things like wearing comfortable tagless clothing, using noise-canceling headphones, and use proper lighting to help reduce the number of distractions we get in a day.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is extreme emotional sensitivity that can be triggered by the perception of rejection or failure. The intense feelings can even manifest as physical pain. RSD isn't easy to deal with but can be worked on with the understanding that the feelings won't last forever and knowing you can get past them.
Mentioned in this Episode
Listen to Jia Jiang on ADHD reWired
