Of Course You're Still Struggling (but it's Okay) with Jessica McCabe
This week I'm talking with the fantastic Jessica McCabe. Many of you probably know Jessica from her award-winning YouTube Channel, How to ADHD, where she has helped millions of people better understand how ADHD brains work. And Jessica is a returning guest, last time she was on we talked about her then upcoming and now New York Times bestselling book, How to ADHD: An Insider’s Guide to Working with Your Brain (Not Against It) - which just came out in paperback.
And last time Jessica was on the show she was pregnant, so we dive into that a bit on this episode, discussing how having a kid really changed everything for her. And we really do dive into some of those struggles that come with parenting while ADHD and how those can compound with regular ADHD struggles as well through things like sleep, scheduling and how much pressure we put on ourselves. We also get to hear a little about the new book that Jessica is starting to work on.
If you'd life to follow along on the show notes page you can find that at HackingYourADHD.com/318
YouTube: https://tinyurl.com/y835cnrk
William Curb: All right. I'm so excited to have you back on the podcast. It's been a couple of years now since you were on for the first release of your book, and now we've got the paperback edition. You were telling me before we started that while it's basically the same content, there are actually some significant physical differences in how people interact with it now.
Jessica McCabe: Yeah! I knew that it was really important, even for the first release, that the book feel right—that it not feel bad to the touch, and that it have lots of whitespace so people could flip it open and actually read the page instead of being overwhelmed by a big block of text.
They kept all of that intentional spacing to make it ADHD-friendly. But it surprised me when I opened the box of paperbacks how much of a difference it makes to have it feel "huggable." It feels nice to the touch, you can flip the pages really easily, and it's not quite so intimidating anymore. It's thinner, and they did a really nice job with it. I originally thought, "What's the big deal? It's just a paperback, the less-good version of the hardcover, right?" But it's actually great. I could see myself—even though I wrote the book—flipping through the pages, highlighting them, and shoving it in a book bag to go. I'm hoping it ends up in airport bookstores; that is my absolute dream right now.
William Curb: Yeah! I was just thinking that I actually didn't reread the book before doing this interview, which isn't what I would have expected. But I was just like, "Oh yeah, it's funny how that works with books." It's something you can always reference again.
Jessica McCabe: Exactly. I knew that the big hardcover book would always be on my shelf as a reference to grab and flip through. But if they hadn't sent me copies of the paperback and I didn't know how cool it was, I would order it. It’s a completely different experience.
William Curb: It goes back to accessibility, too. I always feel a little different about writing and highlighting in a hardback than I do in a paperback.
Jessica McCabe: That's the thing! I love having the hardcover on my shelf to pick up and reference, but the paperback feels like something you can beat up. You can write in it and highlight it. You can do that with the hardcover too, but it feels a little more precious, whereas the paperback feels friendlier—like a buddy. Shove it in your bag, take it with you, highlight it, or even cut pages out of it.
My daughter is in a phase where she likes to cut things right now—including stickers. The part of me that has ADHD and loves stickers is horrified when she takes an adorable sticker and cuts right through the middle, but I have to remind myself, "She's learning new skills; this is okay." But you could cut out pages, too! My publisher is going to ask why I'm telling people to cut pages out of the book, but if a page is really helpful and you keep forgetting to do what it says, cut it out and put it on your fridge!
William Curb: Absolutely! That's what's great about doing all of these things—whatever works for your brain is the most important aspect.
Jessica McCabe: Yep!
William Curb: So, last time we talked, you were six months pregnant and talking about how you didn't know how having a baby was going to change things. You were kind of joking like, "I'm sure nothing will change at all," and that it was just going to be easy after that.
Jessica McCabe: Oh boy, did things change! The hardcover book came out in January 2024, and the baby arrived the very next month. It was wild because I had just written this epic guide on everything I'd learned about ADHD over eight years of running my channel—basically everything I needed to know about how to work with my brain instead of against it.
And then my brain changed because of hormones, and I suddenly felt useless. I couldn't regulate at all. The tools weren't working for me, and even when I could remember them, I couldn't apply them. It was so hard that I realized I needed a second book. During postpartum, I started furiously writing a book titled Postpartum: How We Get Dropped Off a Care Cliff and What We Can Do About It. Then, in true ADHD fashion, I realized, "Wait, that's not my main audience. Let me not pursue a completely different direction."
Then I looked back and realized that wasn't the only time I had struggled with a major life transition. Postpartum was really brutal—a lot more than I expected—and I ended up with postpartum depression. But I had ended up in really bad places before during big changes, like experiencing severe depression and feeling suicidal after my mom passed away. I realized my life always fell apart during major transitions. So now I'm writing a second book called This Wasn't the Plan: How to Navigate Big Life Transitions With an ADHD Brain.
William Curb: That all sounds incredibly hard. I understand the depression aspects, and it really is all-consuming. It's such an important topic to talk about with ADHD because it comes along so often.
Jessica McCabe: Right. If we are interest-based learners and the interest goes away, how do you motivate yourself? Everything changes. It was an intense experience. I try to find experiences fascinating—like Pokémon, you've got to collect them all—but it was really brutal.
For a while, I ended up in a partial hospitalization program where you could bring your baby while they taught you coping skills. It felt embarrassing for me at first because I was thinking, "This is what I've done for the last eight years—learning and teaching coping skills!" They were showing me sensory toys and basic tools, and I was like, "Yes, I know, I know." But there's a huge difference between knowing what to do and actually being able to do it, which we know as people with ADHD. Getting to learn all of it in the context of being a new parent was very helpful.
William Curb: It's really funny being in the position we're in and then having to say, "Oh, now I actually have to use the skills I talk about." Some days I feel like I'm beyond it, and other days I realize I'm really not.
Jessica McCabe: Yeah, at which point I have to remind myself why we started this in the first place! It wasn't because things were going fine; it was because things were going so poorly that I thought, "I should learn how to make this not go so poorly." When you have ADHD, there's often this misconception that you'll reach the end of the journey and just stop struggling. Did you ever feel like that was supposed to be the case?
William Curb: Yeah, there have been so many times where I've thought, "Okay, now I've figured it out." And that feeling lasts a week at most.
Jessica McCabe: My partner says I tell him that all the time! I'll say, "I finally figured it out!" and he'll reply, "Uh-huh, tell me when you figure it out again next week."
William Curb: You're always like, "Ooh, this new system is perfect!"
Jessica McCabe: ...and, "I will never struggle again!" Cut to a week later: I'm bored of the system, or my life changed and the system no longer works. That's another thing I'm discussing in my next book. You design systems that work for you, but then life shifts.
For me, doing laundry on Sundays and folding my clothes Marie Kondo-style in front of the TV used to be perfect. I'd spend Sundays chilling and doing laundry because otherwise, I'd start a load, forget about it for three days, and have to re-run it repeatedly. So doing it all on Sunday and folding it neatly meant I could find what I needed during the week.
That worked beautifully until I had a baby who grew into a toddler. First of all, I lost access to the washer and dryer all day Sunday because the baby was napping nearby. But the bigger issue was that as I folded laundry, she unfolded it faster than I could fold it! I even tried putting her in the laundry basket to keep her contained, but she tipped it over.
Eventually, Cass from Clutterbug came over to help reorganize my house because I needed help. She looked at my setup and said, "You're not allowed to have a dresser anymore." I protested, "But that's the one system that works for me!" She said, "It doesn't work for your life anymore. Every time I go to someone's house and it's a hot mess, they're trying to fold their underwear. You have to stop."
So I swapped it out for bins on an IKEA KALLAX shelf with picture labels for items like shirts so my kid could help. Now, when I pull laundry out, I hand her a shirt and she puts it in the shirt bin. She's helping instead of getting in the way! Even if a system still works for your brain, it might not work for your life anymore. That's the frustrating thing about ADHD: there's a narrow band of things that work for us, and when circumstances change, we have to update our systems.
All this to say: if you are listening and still struggling with your ADHD, of course you are!
William Curb: Yeah, because my brain always insists that the new system is going to be the permanent system, even though everything is always changing. There has never been a consistent five-year stretch in my life, yet I still expect it.
Jessica McCabe: You're just waiting for it, right?
William Curb: Yeah! Why would I imagine I'm going to build a system that lasts until I die?
Jessica McCabe: Jesse J. Anderson has a great way of putting this: he says he "plans for the pivot." He sets things up knowing he'll eventually abandon the system, making sure he can take his stuff with him when he transitions rather than forcing himself to stick to one rigid system.
William Curb: Right! How can I make this flexible enough that it won't fall apart when things change—even when minor things change?
Jessica McCabe: Exactly. Like, "It's winter now!"
William Curb: Yeah! Suddenly my exercise routine changes because I'm not walking outside as much in the rain, which impacts how my brain works.
The big shift for me this year was my daughter moving from fifth to sixth grade. Middle school starts 90 minutes earlier than elementary school.
Jessica McCabe: Good lord, why?
William Curb: It's due to staggered bus schedules and after-school activities. But it means I'm up at 6:00 AM now!
Jessica McCabe: I unfortunately get up at 6:00 AM too. My daughter is an early bird, whereas my partner and I are night owls. She wakes up around 5:30 or 6:00 AM, so we have to get up then too.
I used to force myself to do a morning workout right after getting her ready, even though I was a total zombie, because I wanted the brain-boosting benefits early on. But I was so exhausted that I finally realized, "Now is not the time to work out anymore; now is the time to go back to sleep." I started getting her out the door for daycare, taking my medication, and then going back to sleep until 10:00 AM. Aligning sleep with your circadian rhythm whenever possible is so important. Ignore the people who say everyone should wake up at 5:00 AM to be more productive. I am useless all day if I stay up after waking at 6:00 AM!
William Curb: That's awesome. My wife is also a big fan of sleeping after the kids go to school.
Jessica McCabe: I didn't even realize that was an option at first! It took me a good year to figure that out.
William Curb: Napping doesn't come naturally to me, unfortunately. I know lying down with eyes closed is still restorative, but then my ADHD kicks in, I feel artificially energized, stand up, and immediately realize, "Nope, that was a trick."
Jessica McCabe: I can manage it mostly because of my meds and staying in a low-energy "zombie mode" while getting my kid ready. Once she's out the door, I fall right back asleep. Again, plan for the pivot—it won't always work, but right now it does.
William Curb: Something will always change. Eventually, kids start sleeping in more. My daughter used to wake up at 5:30 AM, but now she doesn't—which makes getting up at 6:00 AM for school even more ironic!
Jessica McCabe: It feels like half of managing ADHD is just figuring out sleep! I have a whole chapter in my book called How to Sleep. Sleep deprivation severely exacerbates ADHD symptoms.
I work with a researcher who reviews all my videos and serves as my Chief Science Officer to make sure the information I share is accurate. He did original research on ADHD and exercise, but even he says, "If you have to choose between exercise and sleep, choose sleep." Sleep has an even greater impact on brain function.
William Curb: I've always found sleep to be the foundational leg holding everything up. If you knock that leg down, everything else topples behind it.
Jessica McCabe: Right! When my book came out and the baby was born the next month, sleep disappeared immediately. Combine that with the post-pregnancy estrogen crash—and estrogen is crucial for brain function—and my executive function took a massive hit.
Plus, as a parent, your executive function demands roughly double. Everything you struggle to do for yourself, you now have to do twice: brush your teeth and their teeth, get dressed and get them dressed, keep your clothes clean and keep theirs clean.
William Curb: Sometimes it feels like quadruple the work because you have to change their outfit three times after they spit up, and then change your own outfit because they spit up on you, too!
Jessica McCabe: Exactly! It's an insane amount of new additions all at once. I'm amazed by parents who raise kids while managing their own ADHD.
William Curb: It's a huge challenge. And if your child also has ADHD, you're handling the more complex version! The things that help an ADHD child—like strict consistency, regular routines, and staying on top of meals and bedtime—are the exact things that are hardest for an ADHD parent to execute.
Jessica McCabe: Yes! You're sitting there thinking, "Who's going to do that for me? I'm struggling to do it for myself!"
Before having a kid, my biggest fear was that I would get bored. With every new venture, I eventually lose interest and pivot. Parents in my comments laughed when I voiced that concern, telling me, "You won't get bored—everything is constantly changing with a child." That turned out to be true overall, but where I was right was regarding routines. Kids need routines, but my brain rebels against strict repetition after a while.
To balance my brain's need for novelty with my child's need for structure, I started doing something I saw online: a "one-day weekend adventure." Every Saturday morning, we go on a mini family adventure. It provides a reliable routine, but we go somewhere new or try an activity we've never done before. Having a kid opened up a whole new map of activities—music classes, baby swim classes, visiting new places. It brings so much novelty.
William Curb: Kids love that too! You can just say, "We're going to a new park today," and they think it's the most amazing thing ever.
Jessica McCabe: That's the best part of parenting so far—experiencing their pure joy and wonder over simple things, like seeing a kitchen whisk for the first time!
Having a child also acts as a permanent body double. She follows me everywhere, which actually helps me stay on task. I used to complain about the extra effort of brushing teeth together, but now I always have someone to brush teeth with!
William Curb: It's funny how that works. I'll sit down to look at my phone, a kid will look over my shoulder, and I'll think, "I guess I should actually go do something productive instead."
Jessica McCabe: Realizing how much time I spent on my phone was tough. I bought a cute wooden box where we can plug in our phones and put them away. My daughter started taking her toy phone and putting it in the box alongside mine so we could hang out. Now she even reminds me to put my phone away so we can play together!
William Curb: They notice everything. It really forces you to model good behavior because what you do influences them much more than what you say.
Jessica McCabe: Exactly. So what about you? What shifted the most for you when you had kids?
William Curb: The structure it imposed on my life was actually really good for me. Once they started school, it defined clear working hours. I don't like working while they're home because it feels bad to tell them, "Quiet down, I'm recording."
Before kids, I wanted to set up firm work boundaries, but I'd often find myself starting new ideas at 2:00 AM. Now, working until 2:00 AM isn't an option because I have to be up four hours later to take care of my kids. It forced me to reprioritize my entire life and provided artificial structure that helps define my day.
Jessica McCabe: I write about that in my book in a chapter called How to See Time. I talk about using "time buckets" and "time pillars." Time buckets are dedicated blocks of time for specific categories like hobbies, admin tasks, or deep work, giving you flexibility within that block. Time pillars are regular, time-based events and rituals that add structure to your day and make time feel real.
William Curb: Having structure makes living with ADHD so much easier. When you have a completely open day, the endless possibilities become overwhelming.
Jessica McCabe: A lot of people assume they'll be far more productive if they leave their day jobs, but the opposite is often true. Without regular time-based events to plan around, there's no urgency, and tasks end up not getting done at all.
William Curb: The time pressure of parenthood made me surprisingly productive!
Jessica McCabe: Isn't that wild? You have objectively less time, yet you accomplish more because there is simply no time left to procrastinate.
William Curb: Exactly. My kids are 11 and 8 now, so their needs have changed, but the consistency of the school schedule provides a solid framework for the week.
Jessica McCabe: How do you handle summer breaks? Daycare is year-round, so the concept of school taking months off while jobs continue year-round terrifies me!
William Curb: It's tough! We rely on summer camps, and I even took a couple of months off this year to manage everything.
Jessica McCabe: It really highlights how crucial these tools are during periods of transition.
William Curb: With kids, you're constantly in transition—moving from summer to the school year, or moving from elementary to middle school. Adjusting to an earlier schedule was a big change for me, but surprisingly, waking up earlier actually made me more productive. I didn't want that to be true!
Jessica McCabe: Because now that you know it works, you feel the mental pressure to keep doing it!
William Curb: Exactly! It's like when people say exercise helps their ADHD—I still don't enjoy exercising, even if it works.
Jessica McCabe: Dani Donovan talked about that! She found a swimming routine that really helped her, but she was grumpy that everyone who recommended exercise turned out to be right.
William Curb: I hated that following the advice to wake up earlier actually worked! I wanted to prove it wrong.
Jessica McCabe: Well, it works for now! Next year might be totally different.
William Curb: True, it will likely shift again eventually. But figuring out what works is hard, especially when the answer isn't what you wanted it to be.
Jessica McCabe: That brings up a bigger question I've been reflecting on: being more productive is great, but to what end? Productivity for its own sake isn't the ultimate goal. The point of using a calendar or a planner isn't just to execute the system perfectly; it's to protect space for the things that actually matter to you.
I realized I had optimized my life so heavily that I eliminated things I actually valued, like having unscheduled time to wander or fall down rabbit holes. I'm intentionally building those elements back into my life now.
William Curb: Scheduling time for fun is something I still struggle with. I always assume fun will just naturally happen, but it doesn't work that way anymore.
Jessica McCabe: A colleague taught me a great trick: schedule your vacations far in advance. Take advantage of "ADHD time-blindness"—if a vacation is six months or a year away, it doesn't feel "real" yet, so put a two-week block on your calendar now. It's much harder to request two weeks off a month in advance, but if you reserve it early, you can plan your workload around it.
William Curb: That's great advice. If you don't schedule your time off first, it simply won't happen.
Jessica McCabe: If listeners take one thing away right now, go open your calendar and schedule some time off!
William Curb: It's a good reminder that even with all the strategies we know, execution remains challenging.
Jessica McCabe: Yes, because you still have to remember to use the strategies! Externalizing information is essential, but you also have to externalize the reminders to use those tools—like putting a Post-it note on your monitor asking, "Is there anything you're holding in your brain right now that needs to be written down?"
William Curb: I've been using a capture system on my phone where I dump every thought into a single document, and then process those notes into my task manager later.
Jessica McCabe: I use Asana, which pops up automatically when I open my computer. It walks me through my schedule step-by-step, warns me if my workload for the day is unrealistic, and prompts me to move non-essential tasks. Automating that pop-up is the only way I remember to use it.
William Curb: You have to find the right balance of friction—automating the opening of the app, but keeping the actual planning manual so you stay conscious of your commitments.
Jessica McCabe: Exactly. That's why I've resisted using automated scheduling links like Calendly. The thought of checking my calendar and seeing appointments added without my direct input makes me uncomfortable.
William Curb: You can configure those tools with rules, like preventing anyone from booking less than five days in advance so your immediate week remains stable.
Jessica McCabe: That's brilliant! That completely solves the issue of waking up to surprise commitments.
Since becoming a parent, I've had to get much better at setting boundaries—both with my child and with my time.
William Curb: Being clear about boundaries with kids is so necessary.
Jessica McCabe: My daughter is two and a half now, so we're learning boundaries around bodily autonomy and care tasks. I respect her choices whenever possible, but safety and health tasks—like wiping her face after meals or brushing teeth—are non-negotiable.
I count down from five before wiping her face, and now she counts down with me! I've started applying similar playful strategies to myself: "Jessica, you have to brush your teeth, but do you want to stand on one leg like a flamingo while doing it?" The strategies that work for toddlers work surprisingly well on ADHD adults.
William Curb: Universal design at its finest! What works for kids often works remarkably well for adults.
Jessica McCabe: Children's books on emotional regulation are an amazing resource for ADHD adults, especially for anyone dealing with alexithymia (difficulty identifying emotions). Dr. Color Monster's Emotions Toolkit is a fantastic example—it breaks down evidence-based tools for understanding and processing big feelings in a very accessible way.
William Curb: Everyone with ADHD should check that out! It's so helpful for recognizing what emotions actually feel like in the body.
Jessica McCabe: Many of us grew up receiving messages that our feelings were "too much" or wrong, leading us to suppress them entirely. But suppressing anger or frustration only leads to an inevitable explosion later.
If you tune into your emotions earlier when they're at a 3 or 4 out of 10, you can address them constructively—like scribbling on a Post-it note or communicating your needs—before reaching an 8 or 10. Learning to name my feelings earlier dramatically improved my emotional regulation and prevented me from blowing up at people.
William Curb: Expressing that early warning to others is so useful. Telling my kids, "I'm starting to get frustrated, and I'm going to be really mad in five minutes if this continues," gives them a clear signal to adjust their behavior.
Jessica McCabe: Giving that early warning is much safer for kids than staying artificially calm until you suddenly explode. It builds healthy communication.
William Curb: It makes me realize I should communicate my internal state more openly with adults, too!
Jessica McCabe: It's great practice!
William Curb: Well, we are coming up on time. Are there any final thoughts you'd like to leave with the audience?
Jessica McCabe: Realizing that you will never completely erase struggle might sound discouraging at first. But learning to work with your brain instead of against it closes the gap between who you are and who you think you should be. It lowers unrealistic standards while giving you practical tools to achieve what matters to you.
You don't need to eliminate all struggle to dramatically improve your life and happiness—you just need to understand why you are struggling and know what actionable steps to take next.
William Curb: That is wonderful advice. Thank you so much for coming back on the show!
Jessica McCabe: Thank you for having me!
This episode's Top Tips:
A system can be a great fit for how your brain works and still stop fitting the life you’re actually living. When something that used to work stops working, check what changed around it, be it your schedule, responsibilities, environment, or available support. Then look at what was useful about the old system and what needs to change to fit the life you have now.
Try putting something you actually want to do on the calendar before everything else fills the space. That might also mean scheduling more time for rest or fun than feels strictly necessary, because if we leave those things to whatever time is left over, there often isn't much left. This is something I’ve talked about before and am still not particularly good at myself, but making space for it deliberately gives that time a much better chance of actually happening.
Progress isn’t about reaching a point where everything suddenly becomes easy. Part of it is adjusting what you expect from yourself, and part of it is getting better at recognizing which tools and supports you need. So when you’re struggling, instead of making that struggle a verdict about yourself, ask: Why is this hard right now, and what can I do about it?