Compassionate Ass-Kicking For The Win
Based on the title you may be asking yourself, why would I want my ass-kicked with compassion? Well let's start off by saying it is much better than the alternative - ass-kicking with no compassion. What I'm talking about here is accountability. Now accountability can be kind of a scary word for some people. The idea of being held accountable for them means that they made some sort of mistake and they are going to get punished. That's not what I'm talking about here.
Let's start off by getting on some common ground with this word, accountability. Looking at dictionary definition was entirely unhelpful - "the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility." - I can't tell you how much I despise any dictionary entry that basically has the word it is describing in it's definition. But we're still going to need some sort of definition to work with if we all want to be on the same page, so in the context of this podcast - let's call accountability taking ownership of your own actions.
Okay, well if I'm taking ownership of my actions, where is the compassionate ass-kicking coming in? Well accountability works best when it is used with other people. This means sharing your intentions with someone else and checking back with them with whether or not you did the thing. This isn't about being shamed into doing something or feeling judged because you didn't actually end up going to the gym today. It's about having a system to help you follow through with the things you want to be doing.
We all tend to let ourselves off the hook when it comes to our intentions - it's why I've started dozen of projects over the last few years but haven't followed through on finishing most of them. Something new and interesting came along and now I don't care about building my own drone. But if I told someone "Hey, I'm going to do this thing" and then I asked them to check back on my progress, I'd be a lot more likely to be hitting those milestones. And before I go on let me just add an important aspect here, accountability is about the specifics - if I told someone that I was going to run a marathon and then asked them to check back with me in six months, I'm not likely to have better results - that or I'm going procrastinate for five and half months and see my deadline and try and run that marathon without training at all... I mean how hard could it be, right?
So part of that compassionate ass-kicking would be my accountabili-buddy asking me how I'm breaking down my training there. Helping me see through the entire process - not because they don't think I could do it, but so they can understand how they can best support me in hitting my goals. Because hitting our goals is what it's all about - I don't need accountability on playing more video games or watching YouTube videos - I need help making sure that I'm doing the things I want to do that I know are going to be making my life better.
All right, let's get onto some way that you can actually use accountability in your life.
One of the easiest ways to tap into the power of accountability is through body doubles - no, we're not talking about stunt doubles that are going to sit down and do your work for you. Instead a body double, is just another person who is working along side you. They aren't necessarily even working on the same kind of thing that you are - in fact I used a body double as I wrote this episode. Part of the ADHD reWired Coaching and Accountability groups is something called Adult Study Hall, which is just a web conference room that is set up through the program Zoom. When I need to get work done and I just log in and jump on camera - once I'm in the room I let anyone else in the room know what I'm doing by dropping it in the chat window. I've spent at least a little bit of time in Adult Study Hall for every single episode of this show. Just having someone there is a great way to help keep you on track. You can find a similar system from FocusMate.com in which you sign up a head of time and log on to spend a particular hour working along side someone else. You spend the first couple of minutes after logging in introducing yourselves and then you spend the rest of your time working quietly and at the end report back about how you did.
And body doubles can work great in person as well. If you need clean your house, sort your mail or do just about anything where you might get distracted along the way - having another person there can really help keep you on track. The other night my wife and I used the technique to help put away laundry. We both had giant baskets of clean laundry that we hadn't put away for weeks and so we just said, "hey if we both put away out laundry at the same time we might actually do it" and we did - added bonus that it wasn't something we needed complete focus on so we could talk at the same time.
You can also find accountability in your community through things like support groups. Although I will caution against trying to something like Facebook for accountability. I'm sure you've seen someone posting on Facebook about some goal they are trying to achieve - maybe you have yourself, I know I have. And perhaps that person feels like that post serves as some sort of accountability. Perhaps they've read that publicly committing to your goals can improve your chances of completing them. And perhaps in the some cases that is true, but just posting on Facebook that you want to do something isn't actually accountability. If you don't actually have plans for someone to follow up with you chances are no one is going to - and at least not at a specific time. You might have your Aunt Lisa ask you about that Facebook post you made at the next Christmas party but you probably won't even remember by then, and if you do you're probably embarrassed that you haven't made a lick of progress.
Where I find accountability really shines though, is through accountability teams. I encountered my first accountability team through the ADHD reWired Coaching and Accountability groups - the group was four people including myself - we mostly talked over text, although we did have weekly meetings to go over our goals for the week. And the point of the group was to let someone else know what we intended to do and then follow up with them later if we did the thing or not. We also would include helpful nudges to make sure we were staying on track.
Some of our conversations would go like:
Hey I'm planning on head to the gym by 3pm today - I'll text you guys before I head over, if you don't hear from me can some check in on me.
The main point with that being that I let someone else know what my plans were and then let them know when I was going to follow up with them about them - with the caveat that if they didn't hear from me I wanted them to bug me about it. And you some days I might have to text back that something came up and I wasn't going to be able to get to the gym after all - and that's okay. The accountability group wasn't about shaming me into doing things - it was about helping me follow through with the things I did want to do. All I need my accountability team to do is be a witness to my intentions and make sure I'm checking back with them.
The question then becomes how do you find your own accountability team? What should you look for from an accountabili-buddy
Well first I'd recommend a team of 3-5 instead of just one person - this isn't to say that if you have someone to work with you shouldn't just work with them, remember you've got to find what works for you. But I find that a team of people makes it much easier to have someone who can follow up with you when you need it. For example, I've mentioned before that I usually have my phone off for the night around 7pm, which means I'm not a great accountabili-buddy after 7pm. In a team you have more flexibility with your check-ins.
So then what are the qualities you want to have from your accountabili-buddies? Should they be your friends?
Well I'll start off by saying that in my accountability teams, we did not start off as friends - we simply didn't know each other at that point, but as we worked with each other I'd definitely say we became friends. But I might caution you against starting off an accountability team with a close friend. The most important factor in an accountability team is making sure that you are holding the other person accountable. I don't want someone not to check in with me because they are worried about making me feel bad if I didn't do the thing. Or for that matter I don't want to worry that I'll feel that I'm being judged if I have to report I didn't do something - which is a reason that your partner or parents would probably make a poor accountbili-buddy. Yes, I'm friends with my accountability team, but we came at that relationship from a different perspective. So while you might have friends that fit that category, think about how you view the relationship before you jump in on it.
Let's get back to where we started this episode and what is the most important aspect of an accountability team - compassionate ass-kicking, which is a term I got from Eric Tivers. So what we want is for our accountibili-buddies to be willing to have those uncomfortable conversations when we aren't following through with our intentions. Sometimes I'm not going to finish something because something came up - if my dog starts throwing up as I'm leaving the house to get to the gym then maybe I'm not going to the gym that day. But if I'm not going to the gym because I'm busy working on getting a new high score on some video game then I'd appreciate my teammate going "hey, you said you were trying to make going to the gym a priority, what's up?" - and notice that is someone coming in with compassion and curiosity, not with judgement.
The question becomes how do you find these people? And I'll be truthful it isn't easy - you've got to put yourself out there. As I said earlier, sometime you can find friends that will fill these roles, but more like you are going to need to looking a farther out in your communities. I'm part of a number of Facebook communities and I'm sure if I asked in a few of those I could find people that would be interested in join a small accountability group. You might also have a church group or sports team where you could find a few people. You might even be part of a professional group and that would be a great place to find people who have goals that are similar to your own. The important thing to remember is that you aren't alone in this - a lot of people are struggling with their follow through and would love to have a group of people that support them.
When you form you group I'd also encourage you to start off with some group rules to help facilitate meetings and make sure that everyone is on the same page. Let people know what your tendencies in a group setting are. Do you tend to dominate a conversation? Or maybe you don't speak up unless someone calls on you. I know when I'm feeling overwhelmed I tend to try and hide and get off the radar - so it would be a good idea to let my teammates know to reach out if they haven't heard from me. Or you might be the type of person who gets overwhelmed with too many texts so you need to ask your group too limit how much they are messaging you - the key is to just make sure that everyone knows what to expect out of the group ahead of time. It also wouldn't be a bad idea to set up a time to go over this stuff again a few weeks or months later so that if things aren't working out how the group wants them to you can address that issue.
And if you really can't find anyone for your accountability team another option is hiring some kind of coach. I see a personal trainer once a week and while I think the workouts are great, the real reason I like having a personal trainer is that it makes sure I'm going the gym at least once a week. I used to have gym buddies that I worked out with, but this is also a great option for me. Yeah, it costs some money and I know not everyone has that option but for me it is money well spent.
This Episode Top Tips
1. Accountability is about stating what your intentions are to someone else so that you can accountable to them about whether or not you followed through with those intentions
2. There are a lot of ways that you can build accountability into your life - like body doubling and accountability teams
3. When forming an accountability team make sure everyone is on the same page when you are starting up so that everyone know what to expect and what is expected of them
