Why We Make Decisions We Don't Understand
When we think about empathy, we're typically talking about our ability to understand what other people are feeling. However, we can also think about empathy in terms of thinking about how we're going to feel in the future - except that when we're thinking about how we're going to feel in the future and what we're going to do in future situations, we often get it wrong.
This is called the hot-cold empathy gap. And this term empathy gap was coined by Harvard University, psychologist, Daniel Gilbert.
We often think we know how we're going to act in certain situations. If someone says something rude to me, I'm going to be angry and deliver a smart comeback. Well, maybe. Usually doesn't happen that way.
How often have we thought of a comeback 20 to 30 minutes too late, or been in a situation whereupon reflection, we think about how we could have handled things just so much better
Think about things like:
our bedtime routine
how we're using our phone
what we're eating
how often we're exercising.
Really anything where we plan something. And we were in a different state when we went to do it.
We've all been there when it comes to not following through with our plans, we've been lying in bed, thinking about everything that we're going to accomplish tomorrow, tomorrow, we're going to get our life together and we're not going to let ADHD hold us down.
And then there's tomorrow. We don't do those things. We're tired, (you know, from staying up late dreaming about how we're going to fix our lives), and then we don't do those things we dreamed about.
Rinse and repeat.
How is it that we can feel so motivated in the evening, but when it comes time to do things, we just can't execute?
When we're thinking about ourselves, we have trouble imagining a different version of ourselves, a version who is feeling different things and acts in a different way. And this totally makes sense because I'm me and who I am, doesn't change throughout the day, right?
But of course, we also know that we act differently when we're angry or that will behave differently if we're scared. I'm not the same person when I'm feeling overwhelmed as I am when I'm feeling sure of myself. Nonetheless, when I'm calm, it's hard to imagine what I'm like when I'm angry and when I'm angry, it's hard to imagine how I'd act differently if I was calm.
Just think about the last time you stayed up too late in the evening. We all know that sleep is vital for our ADHD management. And yet a lot of us have a really hard time getting to bed on time.
And so if we know the value of going to bed on time, how is it that we stay up late, over and over again? How is it that we're unable to follow through on those bedtime routines that we've set up? It all comes down to the fact that we can't imagine ourselves in those situations.
Or how we're going to feel in those situations.
We're not imagining how we feel when we're sitting on the couch and choosing to hit, I'm still watching a Netflix. We don't see what our internal mental state is. That dopamine-depleted tired brain state. When we're planning out that evening routine, we go, yeah, I'm going to do that because it's important to do that, so of course that's what I'm going to you do. I mean, sure. Last time I ignored the three alarms on my phone, but this time it's going to be different.
"Hey, Will, why is it going to be different this time?"
"Because, well, you know, I'm just going to do it."
"Yeah, sure. You will."
Our inability to predict how we'll feel in these states goes both ways as well. Usually, after lunch, I'll get a craving to have something chocolate, and most of the time I'll give in to these cravings because while I'm having that craving, it is hard for me to imagine what it would be like to not have that craving.
It feels like I'm going to be craving that chocolate for the rest of the day. That if I don't give in and have that chocolate, that I'm going to be distracted by this feeling until I do give in. That no matter what I will eventually give in. That the craving is going to win. So I shouldn't put off the inevitable.
Except that's not true.
I know it's not true. There have been plenty of times that I've resisted the urge or just been too busy to think about it. And I was fine, completely fine. The urge went away, but I also have trouble imagining what this urge is going to feel like right now, as I'm writing this, I'm trying to imagine what this urge feels like and I'm kind of drawing a blank. I mean, I know I'm going to feel this way in a couple of hours, but how bad could it be? I should be able to resist because I know just go away. Right? And that there is the hot-cold empathy gap. I'm in a cold state right now, thinking about that urge.
And my brain is telling me that, “Nah, it won't be so bad. You can just resist it.” But then how in the heck have I given to this urge more times than not. It's because I'm not accurately gauging how I'm going to feel. And this has a huge impact for ADHD, when we're planning, we can't picture how we're going to feel.
So we just assume that we're going to feel just as motivated and clear as we're feeling right now, but that's not how we're going to feel when we're actually going through with these plans.
So this can easily manifest as us. Over-planning our days. If I'm in a motivated state while I'm doing my planning, I feel like I can do anything. And why not just skip planning those breaks? Because I don't feel like I need to take one now, why would I feel like I need to take one in the future?
And we don't just have trouble understanding these future states. When we look back at our actions, we feel like we should have acted differently.
I should have stood up for myself.
I shouldn't have been so lazy.
I should have made better choices with what I ate.
But when I'm making these judgments on past me, I'm not thinking about how I may have been scared or that I was tired from a bad night's sleep or that I have just really freaking hungry.
This makes it incredibly difficult to troubleshoot our problems. If I'm telling myself that I was just being lazy rather than the fact that I was tired or overwhelmed, then I'm going to be working on the wrong solution. And let me tell you that most of the time, we're not actually being lazy. There's usually something else going on. So let's stop calling ourselves lazy, okay?
Additionally, these empathy gaps can influence how we're judging others. If I'm not in a certain state, I'll feel like I would've made a different decision. Let's say, I hear a story about someone having unsafe sex in my head.
I say, well, I'd never do that because well, that's not the kind of person I am, but right now I'm feeling pretty level-headed, it's easy for me to make level-headed decisions. But if I'm in the heat of the moment, I'm pretty sure I'd be a lot more willing to make some bad decisions of my own.
We can use this empathy gap to explain anything where we consistently set good intentions, but never follow through with them.
Think about things like:
Planning your week or day
Getting to bed on time
Journaling
Exercise
So what can we do about these hot-cold states?
Well, right now we're taking the most important step in understanding that these states exist. And while I'm sure most of us intuitively understood that we act differently when we feel. It's still something that's hard for us to pin down that. Sure. We knew it, but we still kind of felt like, well, it'll be okay this time.
And that thinking needs to be erased from our brains. No next time is not going to be different. We're going to feel the same way. So we need to plan ahead on how we're going to deal with those feelings.
What we often need is a nudge in the right direction when we're in a different state. We need to make making the right decision easier, or at least to make the bad decisions more difficult.
For example, if someone was trying to eat healthier, one of the best steps they can take is to get the junk food out of their house. In the moment, right now, it feels like no, if I'm trying to eat healthier, why would I eat junk food?
If I say it's not an option, I just want. But this isn't a matter of willpower. this is a matter of that when you're craving those m&ms that willpower doesn't matter that you're just going to go seek out those m&ms anyways, because your m&m craving brain says it's time to get m&ms but if we don't have those m&ms in the house, then that makes that quest for them a whole lot more difficult.
And we can use this method for a lot of things if I want to go to bed on time, but I am consistently using my phone in the evening and that's keeping me up. Then it might be a good time to set up some blocks on my phone to deal with that.
Accountability can also be another great option for making the right choices. While it won't solve everything, if I know that I'm going to have to report back on what I did, then that is absolutely going to affect my thinking and actions.
Another idea for getting past this gap is to also break things down into smaller steps. I may not feel like journaling, but sure, I'll be able to at least open my journal, and sure, I'll at least be able to date the page.
But just as importantly, here is if at any point I still don't want to do the thing, I should allow myself to stop because our dumb brains are smart. It'll figure out that those first two steps are a trick that I fully intended to keep going, regardless of how I felt. And it will then shift that resistance to opening my journal and writing the date.
Don't try and trick your brain. It's going to know what you're up to.
Instead, think of this as just adding some grease to the wheels. You're just helping things get going if they are going to get going. That way we can be less judgmental when things don't happen.
And finally, we can also just think about practicing situations where we would be in a different state. If we already have set up options of what we can do when we're in those states, then it makes it a lot easier to go with the decisions that we actually want to make.
Having the freedom to do whatever we want is the fastest path to making bad decisions. We want to limit our options because the, you that's in the heat of the moment is going to make different decisions than the you who's in a cold state.
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The hot-cold empathy gap occurs when we fail to predict how our emotions are going to affect our decision-making when we're in that state.
This doesn't only apply to things like being angry or depressed but can also apply to our motivation or energy levels. Our ADHD can easily let us overcommit on projects because we fail to predict that we might have less drive and motivation when it comes time to actually do the task.
We can work on mitigating some of the effects of the hot-cold empathy gap by making the decisions we want to make easier to make in the moment. We can also use tools like accountability and breaking down our tasks to keep us on track.
