Controlling What You Can When Everything Feels Out of Control
ADHD comes with a lot of ups and down - we hear about the downs a lot more, but one of the upsides to ADHD is that we tend to perform well in a crisis. When things go wrong, our brains can jump from one problem to the next instead of being overwhelmed. Perhaps it comes from experience with screwing up a lot (which I know I have), or maybe it's more of an innate ability. Perhaps when we're dealing with a crisis, we're finally getting all the stimulus that our brains need to thrive.
But right now, I don't feel like I'm thriving. Far from it actually. With everything that has been going on, I've been finding my stores of executive function depleted. I reach the end of the day asking where all my time went. I think a big piece of why my ADHD isn't handling this crisis well is because it feels like it's all going in slow motion. As I sit at home and read news article after news article, there is very little for me to actually do.
We're very much in a situation of hurry up and wait - and we're going to be doing a lot of waiting the next few weeks as we stay home. I've already been for several weeks, and since I live in Washington State, I expect that isn't going to change anytime soon.
That's a lot of waiting for the next thing.
I know that I've been struggling for the last couple of weeks, and I imagine a lot of you have as well. A lot of my struggle has come from the uncertainty surrounding everything. I don't know when things are going to go back to "normal" or what normal is even going to mean at that point. I know that everything might feel out of control now, but we're not helpless here.
And since we're going to be here a while, it's time we start taking control of the things that we can control.
First off, I want to emphasize that if you are struggling that you don't have to try and pull yourself up by your bootstraps. I know we're all stuck at home, and that practicing social distancing means we're not seeing any other people. But we can be reaching out to talk with friends. Right now, I'm trying to make sure I'm calling at least one friend a day just to talk. We're social creatures, and our social interactions are essential to maintain even if we can't be there physically with people.
Since we're not meeting up with people in-person, we've got to look at some of our other options for connecting. I'm also going to recommend that we try and go beyond texting here. I know that's the simplest solution, but it isn't going to give you the same connection as actually hearing someone's voice.
And we've got a lot of options for seeing someone's face while we talk now too. At home, my kids have been having a great time Facetiming with their grandparents. Web conferencing services like Zoom, Google Hangouts, or Skype are also a great option.
One note I'll make here is that you're also going to want to try and have something to talk about that isn't just about what's going on with COVID-19. It's easy to let your conversation become dominated entirely talking about the virus, but at least for me, that has been putting a strain on my psyche.
And I totally understand that it is top of mind for pretty much everyone right now. With a lot of sports and other entertainment canceled, there just isn't as much going on right now.
So talk about the kinds of meals you are cooking - talk about the ways you are getting in your exercise. Pick a new show on Netflix to watch with your friends - and also, I've been hearing a lot about an extension called Netflix Party that lets you synchronizes videos so you can have long-distance movie nights.
Personally, I've started doing a little more online gaming so that it's easier for me to carve out that time to be social.
And let's be clear here, you've actually got to schedule that time. It was easy to put off being social before we had a pandemic going on, but now it's crucial that you carve out that time. If you're worried that you're going to interrupt someone by calling, schedule a call - send a text like "Hey, just checking in. I'd love to catch up - when is good for you?"
I also know that I've suffered from the thought that if someone wanted to talk, they'd call me - but as my mother-in-law would say, that's stinkin' thinkin'... and also just bad logic. Because if you want to talk, then you could be the one reaching out - you're friend could be having those same thoughts about not bothering you, so why not be the first one to reach out?
Another aspect of this situation that's got us all out of whack is the lack of routine. I know I built most of my routines around when I was taking my kids to school and picking them up. With school out for the foreseeable future, that's not really an option. Sure my day is still starting by 7 am when my kids insist on being out of bed, but after that, my day can be kind of a free for all.
This means that we're going to have to work on creating that structure ourselves. Again we don't have to do that all on our own. One of the ways I'm getting some external motivation is from my accountability team - which is also a great way to add some social time to my week as well. But having a group of people to talk to about what I'm trying to accomplish makes it a lot easier for me to follow through with those intentions and also to work through problems I'm not sure I'd see on my own.
If you need a refresher on accountability teams, I just rebroadcast an episode on accountability last week.
And you're check-in with your accountability team doesn't have to be overly complicated. I'd recommend creating some sort of quick checklist to run through so that you can hit all the important stuff. At home with my wife, we've started doing a morning check-in starting with how much energy we've got, 1-3 things we'd like to get done that day, a little bit of meal planning, and then something that we're grateful for.
The structure of our list makes it easy to just run through what we want our day to look like and makes sure that we're not over committing on anything.
The thing I've probably written about the most while working on this podcast is the importance of self-care. Regardless of what's going on, it's easy to let our self-care fall by the wayside. Over the last few weeks, I know I haven't been doing... let's say the best with self-care. For example, I've been letting myself eat pretty much whatever I want - and what I want tends to be copious amounts of cookie dough. But I also know that isn't sustainable. So part of my upcoming self-care is going to working on eating foods that are better at fueling my body - at the same time, I'm not going to ride myself when I sneak a brownie or two. Self-care is also about forgiving yourself.
Of course, the area that I always need the most help with is sleeping. Without a consistent schedule, it has been easy to let myself get into some bad patterns, and as a consequence, my sleep has suffered. This means I have to work on creating a routine where I am going to bed at a time that will let me feel rested by the time my kids are up. Getting to bed on time means that I have to be careful to not let myself get drawn into projects at night and also to avoid reading the news right before bed. I've got to remind myself that those stories aren't going anywhere and will still be there to upset me in the morning.
Surprisingly, one area of self-care that I haven't had too much trouble filling is exercise. I've been killing it on the Nintendo Switch with a game called Ring Fit Adventure that has been giving me a surprisingly good workout. I've also been taking advantage of all the hiking trails around my house. I mean, I need some way to get all the kids' energy out. Remember that even with our stay home orders, we can still go outside - so get some fresh air and go on a walk.
Another option to get some exercise in is to check out online classes. A lot of personal trainers are starting up virtual services that you can try out as well.
I've got no doubt that everyone listening to this is going to have at least some sort of struggle over the coming weeks. Know that you aren't alone. Reach out to friends. Build your new routine, and above all else, give yourself some slack. There's no question that we all need to give ourselves a break at some time or another. I know that I'm not going to be able to get nearly as much done with my kids at home - but even if I didn't have kids, I know I'd just have different struggles.
It's easy to get down on ourselves when we feel like we should be getting more done, but from experience, I can tell you that beating yourself up never helps. Try and remember to treat yourself with compassion in the coming weeks. There's no question that what's happening in the world right now is hard - don't let yourself fall down the hole of "you just have to try harder."
For me, that may mean having shorter episodes for the coming weeks. It may mean that I don't get to polish them quite as much as I want to, but that's okay. I'm going to be doing as much as I can, but I don't know how much that always is going to be. I'm going to be happy with having enough right now, and I hope you will too.
Today’s Top Tips
Make sure you're scheduling time to be social - figure out ways to stay in contact while you are apart.
Create a routine to follow and use accountability to help you follow through with your intentions.
Prioritize self-care somewhere in your routine.
Give yourself some slack.
